About

I think my greatest revolutionary act is simply: still being here. To be here, to be honest, and to be happy. From that, everything else flows.

For so long, for most of my life, I wasn’t. I lied and hid and denied and hated and hurt myself so much I had no idea how I could ever even be OK. As one darkness spiralled into another, and another, and needed another to sustain it, the way out seemed more than impossible. I could not see the way to unravel all the threads, I wasn’t able to, didn’t care enough to, because I knew I wasn’t worth it, I knew that was what a disgusting, fucked up freak like me deserved.

But the edge of the cliff gives you a lot of space to breathe.

It was in that moment I realised- It wasn’t that I wanted to die. I just didn’t want to live LIKE THIS any more. So what needed to change to make it not like this? Where was I underneath all these diagnostic labels? What even was the part I was saving?

How could I have suicidal depression, generalised anxiety disorder, panic attacks, ADHD, anorexia, bulimia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, OCD, alcoholism, a wide variety of substance addictions, at various times psychosis and catatonia, that could quite likely have labelled me schizophrenic. How could I be all those things – and have chronic pain,  and be queer, and be trans – and still hold onto the good person people told me I was, that in fleeting glimpses, I saw in myself?

I had to let the labels go. However well they described my experiences, they were not ME. I knew too that I had to work on letting go the shame, the guilt, the regret.

And the FEAR. The fear that if I actually told people what I felt, what my life was like, who I really wanted to be- that they would leave me.

But the edge of the cliff gives you a lot of space to breathe.

What did I really have to lose? What could I gain? The answer to both questions was ‘more than I ever dreamed possible’. Because losing everything that was safe, everything that was comfortable, every certainty and belief you have ever had about yourself and about the world is the most freeing thing imaginable. I started being truly honest, about everything. I started questioning everything, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.

I do not want to downplay how hard this was. It was brutal, and painful and paralysing and exhausting. But I was beginning to be more and more honest with others, and the responses I was getting back helped keep me going. I found faster friendships, deeper connections, truer meaning and love and support than I even had before- from marvellous new friends and incredible old ones. I could see just how much talking about my experiences, my struggles and progress was bringing me exactly the life I thought I’d never have, and how it was helping and inspiring others to tell their own truths they never felt safe enough to share.

And the edge of the cliff gives you a lot of space.

What destroyed me gave me wings. I am everything I am now, not despite what I’ve been through, but because of it.

There was never anything wrong with me. Not at the core. No matter how much I felt it, I was not damaged, unfixable, hopeless, worthless or fundamental broken. No one is, not ever. We all have different experiences. This may all be about as believable to you now as it was to me a year ago. I never believed anyone when they told me I was strong, I was loved, I could get through this either.

So from where I am now, where none of those labels holds any weight or influence in my life any more, where I wake up happy to be alive, where I want with every breath to make the world a place where others can feel ok to be exactly as they are, I tell you: wherever you are, however far down, there is hope. You are so strong, you are so worthy, and you are so loved, and if you can’t believe that right now, I’ll believe it for you unwaveringly until you can.

Let others believe that for you, believe in others when they cannot. Open up your deepest truths- I promise you, others are waiting to share theirs too.

All of us just want to be exactly who we are, to be seen by others as just ourselves, to feel that deep connection that comes from caring for others, and from trusting they care too.

Kindness in the world has to start somewhere.

And no one deserves more kindness than you.

Love and light
Cole

5 thoughts on “About

  1. We are what we have made ourselves. We can use our experiences to make us bitter and small or we can use them to enlarge our soul and to soar. I am happy to see you are soaring! Thank you so much for finding my blog and for following. It is a bit of a mishmash but I enjoy doing it.

    Like

  2. Hello Cole,

    Thank you so much for the follow at, “Through The Cracked Window.”

    I applaud you Cole, it is reassuring to meet someone who has both the insight and fortitude to dive into the internal mire of their core to learn the truth, much less write about it.

    I am truly happy for you and what you are discovering. – Stephen.

    Liked by 1 person

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